Do i seek a 3rd wheel position in my relationships with people to relive my childhood? A powerless position where I watch them deal with their own issues while I stand by. Like when my parents would make decisions for me without my input. My family making decisions together with each other without my ever knowing there was something to deal with? An interesting thought to be combined with my need to be the powerless hero, the knight around the corner without courage to act if something did happen. To torture myself and remove the decisions to be made from my hands, because that was how I was raised.

Am I making all of this up? I seemingly had alot more opportunity to explore myself and my choices than others. I have felt so powerless growing up though and so unheard so out of the loop with everyone else. Everyone seems to have information that I do not, in my family, my friends, scholastically, sometimes socially. No one listens to me. Sometimes they do, but often only in context to what they think I want to be. Most people don't really listen or at least like I don't feel like they do.

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I feel guilty for having an identity. Perhaps this is related to my issues with shopping I discovered last year. i thought I hated shopping. As it turns out I do not hate shopping, I just convinced myself I do and began to hate it, because I never had the capacity to do it. No money. I have the same aversion to identity. I have not been given the rights to major choices throughout my life and so I have convinced myself that I do not like identity. And in the general sense of the word I do not (honestly), but there is a degree of it that is necessary and that I would like to have. I want to know how I feel, who I am, what I like and I want to be honest about it.

Why do my personal opinions make me feel so guilty sometimes? And I am not talking about major issues in my life I mean things like knowing what I want to do on a sunny day if it disagrees with someone else nearby. I'm talkin about everyday things. Actually the major issues I am becoming quite comfortable with having an opinion, its the little things. Who am I what do I like to do with my time and what do I like to eat? And inside my head I usually don't care because I don't think it matters. When I begin to converse with someone about these supposed things that make me up in today's world (which i think is mostly bullshit)I feel guilty and awkward like I do when I feel trapped inside myself. And if people see something outward that changes, they assume they do not know you. For instance when I started smoking and Kate flipped out "I don't even know you anymore." "I don't want to talk to you anymore." Just because of that really? How lame, I thought I meant so much more than that. She says it is because I do mean so much more to her than other people. To me though it seems as though she clings to an idea of me.

The stating of my opinions feels as though it is not my decision? Like what other people think about my decisions matter and it influences my opinions. Inside myself opinions don't really exist for the most part. I like what I like and I do what I do and I do not think about it. But suddenly its put into question and social structures begin to form. Perhaps I simply still feel like this identity belongs to someone else when I speak to others.

I fuckin tired... I'm going to sleep